An Elegant Cake: The centerpiece to your baptism

Aw come on, Style Network. How you gonna play us like this?

No wonder people think Christians are out of touch weirdos.

I’m sorry to say this video is not satire (at least, that’s not what its creators intended it to be), and it is turning my stomach six ways from Sunday. You want a perfect example of Americanized self-glorification and missing the point? Boy if this ain’t it I don’t know what is.

Below is a transcript for How to Throw an Elegant Adult Baptism. Because, you know, it’s about elegance. And “committ[ing] to live a better life.” And not mussing your make-up.

Pastor Gayoso sharing with the congregation what baptism represents and why we do it. The exposed brown brick represents dove feet.

Hi, I’m Leslie from “Big Rich Texas,” and I am going to show you how to make an adult baptism stylish.

It really is appropriate to have a baptism anywhere. I mean, you can have it in a beautiful lake, you could actually have it in a church. I mean, sometimes that’s more traditional. But I prefer a beautiful swimming pool. It’s a little bit more controlled, and it’s a little bit cleaner.

It is appropriate for the baptee to wear white [Baptee in white, knee-length, strapless dress and cowboy boots models dress, catwalk style] because it’s a sense of purity. It is very common to actually wear your dress for the baptism. [Woman performing baptism dips baptee into water enough to get her hair wet while keeping her face dry and her makeup intact] I prefer that because I think it’s beautiful, and then afterwards you just need an after outfit [Baptee models white, floor-length dress with spaghetti halter straps] because you don’t wanna walk around at the party soaking wet.

Pastor Gayoso praying over the person he is about to baptize, as someone who has already been baptized watches from the wings– soaking wet sans after outfit!

As the godmother I can wear something as long as it’s very classic and classy and tasteful. This is not the time to be boobalicious. Not at a baptism.

And because the cake is the centerpiece of the room, we’re gonna make it simple and tasteful and elegant – and tasty too!

At any stylish event you also need to have a stylish ending. And we are going to release some beautiful doves.

The doves represent purity, and a commitment to live a better life. And it’s just a perfect way to end a beautiful baptism.

And that’s all you need to know to make your baptism a little more stylish.

For those wondering what baptism actually is, and why it matters that there are people doing this to it, Clarifying Christianity gives a solid, brief overview of baptism. Or as my dad calls it in reference to this video: Babetism. (Note: I can’t speak for all of Clarifying Christianity. I just saw this summary there and thought it did a nice, succinct job of covering the basics while including information on the historical contexts in which the tradition originated and developed.)

There is not one single statement in that video that doesn’t make me feel both sad and embarrassed. And in the words of my friend Caitlin: “I love that not a bit of it mentions what a baptism IS. Just how to throw a great party where the theme color is white and there may or may not be doves.” Right?! I mean, I get it that the point of the video isn’t to explain the purpose of baptism, it’s to explain how to throw a baptism. But that’s kind of everything that’s wrong with it, which is why I can’t understand why the Style Network would even bother adding this shoot to their budget unless they also think these people are vapid and out of touch and want to expose their uselessness to the worl– Hmmm…

I’m not sure it’s even possible to miss the whole point of Christian baptism any more entirely and completely than the people in that video just did. After wading through that craziness, stories like this one are particularly heart-warming.

Your Messiah was a poor nomad with dirty feet, Leslie & Co. Christianity isn’t a country club that needs you to come in and show everybody a better way to fold communion napkins into swans. Get it together.

It makes good toast

“It’s what you sow that multiplies, not what you keep in the barn.”
Adrian Rogers

That has nothing to do with anything. I just saw it and liked it.

Quotes aside, I’m glad you stopped by today because boy have I just stumbled across a great entry for your “Why People Think Christians Are Crazy” power point and– well I don’t mean to oversell it, but truly: It’s a Monday Must-See.

(Careful when hitting play, though, folks. It’s aware.)

“When all is said and done, it makes good toast.”

The winning comment: “After scratching that message into the toast, I’d wager that Satan left a horrible mess of burnt toast crumbs on the laminate counter top…cause that’s the kind of thing Satan would do.” -radiodork